


The only one left standing

by ink_stained



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Character Study, Funeral, Juno cries in a gravyard, Juno thinks he should have died instead of Ben, Pre-Canon, Pre-Series, Sarah Steel dies and Juno doesn't know what to feel, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24354790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ink_stained/pseuds/ink_stained
Summary: Juno thought a lot about the death of Benzaiten. How he wished he could have stopped it. How he wished it could have been him instead.Juno never thought about Sarah Steel dying.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	The only one left standing

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't think Sarah Steel could make me feel sad, except over the fact that she killed Ben but then this happened.  
> Hope you enjoy!

Life was messy. He knew that. Of course he knew that. His whole life was proof of that. 

You never got what you wanted out of it. If you tried, it would just turn on you and leave you worse off than you were before. Juno knew this all too well. 

He tried not to think about his childhood that much. Nothing good ever came out of it really. Except of course when he thought of Mick Mercury and his ridiculous stories that everyone knew was lies but kept listening in to because it was better than the broken streets of Old Town that never seemed to change but still never stay the same. Or when he thought of all the real mischief that they got up to in those old days, back when it was him, Mick, Sasha and...

But even those memories were tainted soon enough. With thoughts of what could have been and what had gone wrong. Soured with the thought of Ben. Of what he could have done if he was still here. Of what good he could have done if he had just gotten the chance. 

But he hadn’t. Benzaiten got nothing as Juno stole his whole life from him, just by being the one to keep living. He knew he didn’t deserve it. Ben had always been the good twin. Had always been the one of the two of them that was going to do something good in the world. Juno had tried to do some good, how could he not? He had to try when Ben kept pushing, saying that Juno could do anything he set his mind to. So Juno had applied to the force. He had been accepted. And he had gone. He had gone and he had left Old Town, left Ma, left  _ Ben. _

And every time he wakes up in the middle of the night he regrets it. Every single time. 

Maybe if he had just stayed behind. Maybe if he had just been there, things would have turned out different. Maybe then things would have been better. Maybe then Ben would still be alive. And maybe Juno wouldn’t, but the world would still have its light. So really, wouldn’t that be better. 

There was no one Juno blamed more than himself for Ben’s death. Maybe Sarah Steel, but in the end, the only conclusion he could come to was that had he been there when it happened then Ben would still be alive. 

And Sarah Steel wasn’t alive anymore. She couldn’t pay the price anymore, but someone still needed to. Juno could not let Ben’s death go unpunished, not ever. Ben didn’t deserve to be forgotten, just as his death didn’t deserve to be forgiven. So who was left to blame now that Sarah Steel lay unmoving on a morgue table, waiting to be turned to dust? 

Juno had spent most of his life hating Sarah Steel to varying degrees. First, it was because of the blatant disregard for the two of them. And Juno often called her out on it when he got older, it was the main reason for most of their fights. Fights that sometimes ended by trading fists and bruises that would last for weeks. 

Then it was because Ben was dead. And Sarah had the fucking audacity to not feel regret. 

_ “I thought he was you,”  _ she would say, as if that made it any different. As if that made Ben come back to life. As if Juno didn’t wish that it really had been him instead. 

He had left, again, and he had taken his grief with him. Had worn it on his sleeve for years, until he was no longer the same Juno Steel that Ben had been proud to call his brother. And that was when Juno knew with certainty that he should have been the one to die. And he had locked his grief inside his heart and got tougher and meaner and only looked at the worst in the world, for that was all that was left after Ben died. 

Juno never saw Sarah again. He didn’t go to Old Town. He locked away that part of him and left it behind. All that was left was a crippling ache in his heart that he ignored. 

But then she died. Sarah Steel died. 

Juno had been so caught up in being hurt, in being angry and trying to forget her, in trying to suppress everything, that he didn’t even realize that there might come a day when she died. For so long she had been a lingering presence in the back of his head that the fact that she might die hadn’t registered. 

Juno didn’t know what to feel. Relief? Gratitude? It was all so complicated. Sarah Steel was a monster. She killed her own child with no remorse. She made Juno into the monster that he was. 

But she was his blood, and no matter how much he tried to deny it and forget it, she made him who he was, for good or for worse. And he didn’t know if he should thank her for that or kill her again himself. Maybe he was more like her than he dared to admit, even to himself. 

Juno wanted to leave her at the morgue. Let them do whatever they wanted with her, maybe just dump her ashes out in the unforgiving desert outside of the dome. But in the end, he thought of Ben and his god damn optimism and his unending trust that there was something good in everyone, and he arranged for a funeral. He didn't know who to invite. He posted a small ad on the coms network and left it at that. 

No one came. No one that might have mattered at least. Not that Juno had expected it. Sarah Steel and Juno Steel had one thing in common that couldn’t be erased, they both pushed everyone in their life away. Juno just had the fortune, or misfortune depending on how you looked at it, that his friends stuck around even when he was at his worst. Sarah didn’t. She was alone in the end. Forgotten and hated. 

Mick had shown up, just to support Juno. Sasha was away with dark matters and Juno hadn’t been able to get in contact with her. But that was fine, Juno didn’t want her there either way, didn’t want anyone there at all. He still didn’t know what to feel. 

He stood in front of the headstone. It was simple. Cheep. It was more than she deserved but it was next to Ben’s and Juno hadn’t wanted to disgrace Ben by putting their mother next to him without a proper gravestone. 

Mick had left some time ago. He hadn't’ wanted to leave Juno alone but Juno had insisted, he needed to be alone. 

He clutched a single white rose in his hands. He didn’t know what to feel. He ran a hand through his hair in distress and looked around the empty graveyard. He let out a sigh and bent down to place the rose on the grave. 

“Cheers Ma. Guess you got what was coming for you in the end.” 

And then his legs gave out and he was kneeling on the ground, right in the middle of Ben’s and Ma’s graves, and he didn’t know what the proper reaction would be in this situation. He let out a short laugh but it turned into a sob and then he noticed the tears that were falling from his eyes. And that was the final straw. 

He lay down on his back between the two graves and let it all out. All the grief and hurt and anger and sorrow and pain. Tears and sobs turned into laughter and screams, that turned back into more sobbing. If anyone had seen him they would have thought him to be insane, and maybe that wouldn't have been so wrong. 

He lay there, just like that, for god knows how long. It was night. The sky was darker. The graveyard was technically closed but the fence didn’t reach the whole way around so it didn’t really matter anyway. 

“I guess I really am alone now,” Juno said to the empty night, but it didn’t answer back. 

Juno got up. He dusted off his suit and then Ben’s headstone. 

“I won’t forget you Ben, I promise.” 

Then he left. Sarah Steel laid cold in her grave and Juno had made peace with it now. Tomorrow he would go back to his life and he would pretend that he was fine. He would pretend that she didn’t exist and that he didn’t see her reflection every time he looked in a mirror. Pretend that he didn’t wake up in cold sweat some nights from nightmares where he was the one who pulled the trigger for the bullet that killed Ben. 

Juno lived. He was the one from their broken family to make it out. Make it this far. God knows if it was the right decision but it wasn’t his to make and he had to continue living for now, for Ben and his memory. 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are a blessing. And feel free to yell at me for any of this.


End file.
